You Killed
You killed my mother. You killed my father: My uncles and my aunts. You killed my grandmother and my grandfather: My cousins, their wives: My father’s sisters, their husbands. You killed me within.
You killed my beloved, my husband, my love. You killed love.
You killed the power within me.
You dried up the rain. You drained the water. I’m dried up.
You rooted out the tree of life our orphaned arms had nourished within us.
You cut the climbers we’d raised under each other’s light, each other’s shadow.
You destroyed the road along which we could never have walked without being united.
My days, my nights.
You imprisoned my breath.
You sewed my lips together.
My nails no longer grow.
You froze the lakes. You froze my blood.
My joy, my hope.
You froze me within.
You sucked out my soul.
You stole my old age.
My cheeks.
My cheeks hurt.
What has my Hrant* done to you?
You killed. You killed me too.
*Hrank Dink, a Turkish-Armenian journalist assassinated on 19 January 2007
Exile, Çiler İlhan
Translated from the Turkish by Aysegül Toroser Ateş
Edited by Feyza Howell and S.D. Curtis, Istros Books, 2015, London, UK
Öldürdünüz
Annemi öldürdünüz. Babamı öldürdünüz. Dayımı teyzemi amcamı. Büyükannemi büyükbabamı öldürdünüz. Kuzenlerimi yengelerimi. Halalarımı eniştelerimi. İçimi öldürdünüz.
Sevgilimi kocamı aşkımı. Aşkı sevgiyi öldürdünüz.
İçimdeki çiçeği öldürdünüz.
Yağmuru kuruttunuz. Suyu çektiniz. Suyum bitti.
Yetim kollarımızla içimizde bin emek büyüttüğümüz yaşam ağacını köklediniz.
Birbirimizin ışığında, birbirimizin gölgesinde yükselttiğimiz sarmaşıkları kestiniz.
Bir olmasak asla yürüyemeyeceğimiz yolu yıktınız.
Günlerimi gecelerimi.
Nefesimi hapsettiniz.
Dudaklarımı diktiniz.
Tırnaklarım uzamıyor.
Gölleri dondurdunuz. Kanımı dondurdunuz.
Neşemi umudumu.
İçimi dondurdunuz.
Ruhumu çektiniz.
Yaşlılığımı çaldınız.
Yanaklarım.
Yanaklarım ağrıyor.
Ne yaptı Hrantım size.
Öldürdünüz. Beni de öldürdünüz.
Sürgün, Çiler İlhan, Everest Yayınları, Mart 2010
Çiler İlhan. Copyright © 2018. Kalem Agency
Çiler İlhan
The recipient of the “Notable Short Story Award” at the Yaşar Nabi Youth Awards in 1993; İlhan’s stories were subsequently published in numerous literary magazines. Her essays, book reviews, travel writings and translations have appeared in various magazines/newspaper supplements.Her first book Rüya Tacirleri Odası (Chamber of Dream Merchants, Artemis, April 2006) is a collection of short stories that allude to one another. Her second book entitled Sürgün (Exile, Everest, March 2010) contains interconnected stories whose themes range from the invasion of Iraq to women from Batman, and the fate of laboratory; it won the “2011 European Union Prize for Literature” (euprizeliterature.eu). Exile, shortlisted also for Prix Du Livre Lorientales 2017, has so far been published in 27 countries, including United Kingdom, Italy, and France. She has translated the book entitled Being Buddha at Work from English to Turkish (Buddha İş Dünyasında, Goa Publications, 2006). Her stories and articles were selected for 13 prominent national and international anthologies. Born in 1972, Çiler İlhan studied International Relations and Political Science at Bosphorus University; and then Hotel Management at the Glion Hotel School in Switzerland. She has worked in fields of hotel management, marketing/communications, and magazine publishing (as editor/writer). A member of Turkish and Dutch PEN, İlhan is currently working on her novel. www.cilerilhan.com
